Skypeeee :)

I found out today that Austin is coming home for Christmas!!!!!! I've never been so excited! Ive been wanting to see him for what seems like forever. I know it hasnt been that long but it feels like AGES for me. I cant wait. I love this man with everything i am. He's the only person i ever want to talk to. And the only person i feel like i belong with. He's the love of my life. I wanna marry this guy. I wanna make him my world. <3

"You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you."

Baby

How do you know who you can trust? I say, go with your gut feeling. I was a person whose self esteem was somewhat low, so I never trusted my instincts. I was always second guessing myself and chose to believe everyone. Boy did that lead to trouble, a lot of wasted time and continuous heart ache. At a certain point (and age) the heart can only take so much. It was time to think with my head and go with what my gut told me, no matter how hard it might be. Wouldn’t you know, the minute I began living out this thought process my self-esteem starting growing and my mental health began to gain some stability. From that point I began to be a whole person and not just the "shadow" of others. Then something really great happened, I was able to love me. What came next was amazing; I was ready for a healthy relationship and open my heart again to love. Now I am not saying that you should not trust people, I am saying that if something does not feel right then go with what you feel. But if something feels amazing and perfect and wonderful. Do NOT let it go......do not.

I don't get it.

Why does she not understand? What did i do to make her hate me so much? I'm sorry i'm not perfect. I'm sorry i didn't make officer. I'm sorry that EVERYTHING i do isn't good enough for you. But damn, why do you always feel the need to make me feel horrible about everything i do? I honestly don't know what i'm supposed to do. I try and try to make you proud, i try and be there for you through everything...and what do i get? Nothing. I was there for you when you were going through chemo...i was there. Not Michelle or Sarah. Maybe if i told you i had the same thing you do...maybe, just maybe you'll treat me like i mean something. I'm tired of being the outsider. Never being anything to anyone. I really don't ask for much. I really don't. And it seems like more i try and get people to accept me...the more i screw myself over. You are part of the reason i can't trust anyone. I'm so freakin afraid of trusting someone that means the a lot to me..and then getting walked out on again. Every time i start to feel happy, i think of you, Michelle, Sarah and even Clint...and it all goes away. The four people that i trusted with my entire everything, shot me in head. And to be honest, if i had the GUTS to tell you all of this you'd probably hate me even more. But i'd rather be with one person for the rest of my life, than to be with you four... The one person that won't judge me. The one person that actually gives a shit about me. The one person who actually thinks i'm special...even when i tell him i'm not. How is it possible for someone to treat me so well....and me only know him for a few months. Sometimes i don't get it. He's the only reason i'm still here. The only reason i havent done anything stupid yet. He says he wants to protect me...but he doesnt realize that he already does. Before i started dating him i was a complete mess. Screwed over by my family and ex boyfriend. I honestly didn't wanna do it anymore. But he's the ONLY reason i'm here. And i would go through everything...everything that you guys put me through, AGAIN, if it meant i could stay with him forever. He is truly my entire world. I wouldnt trade him for anything. I just wish he knew how much he really does mean to me. And i'm working on telling him about the cancer. I just havent found the right moment to tell him. I don't wanna upset him...and i want him to think everything is ok, i don't want him to worry about me...because i want him to be as happy as he can be.

Sometimes i think i ruin it for him.

I tend to screw up a lot:/

I just hope he knows how much he really does save my life, every day.

Working @ Joes:)

So i went to Joes the other day and the manager came up to me and asked me to apply for a job. I figured why not. I already knew everyone that worked there so it was pretty much a guaranteed job. And not to mention i need the money. Working at Seven Salsa's is alright but i'm there all the time. I need to be with other people too. Except for some reason all the guys at Joe's are ALWAYS asking me out. Even though they know i have a boyfriend. I've let them down easy though so it's ok now. :) Austin means a lot to me. I barely notice any guys now. Which is amazing because i'm usually always talking to some guy. I think i finally found a guy that makes me happy enough to where i can finally stop looking for that "one" person. <3

Kush againnnn

Went to Kush with Rachel and Will. Rachel was kind of being a pain because she was getting mad that guys were talking to me and not her. She even made a comment to Will saying "what does she have that i dont? Why do all guys like her?" She makes it seem like i want guys to talk to me. I am perfectly fine sitting in a corner by myself. ughh, she makes me mad so much. It's not so awkward with her anymore. I mean i knew Austin and her had a history and i was willing to put that behind me and move on. But she always makes it seem like she gets annoyed every time i say his name. I really don't care what happened with them, just as long as they are truthful and honest about it, i'm ok. And we talked about it and she told me everything about them. So if thats all i'm ok. And same with Austin. He says he told me the truth about everything so it's all good. I thought it was really funny when i dropped Rachel off at her house a while back and on her car was a heart and Austin Kidd. And on the side it said "Love, Dorso" Like i would really flaunt my boyfriend to her when she claims that it hurts her. It's so stupid. Rachel says their whole relationship still hurts her, too fucking bad. Get the FUCK over it. It happend forever ago. Ughhhhh.

I bonded with this guy named Shaun at Kush. He works there and says he'd give me free hookah.:) Sweeeet.

I need my Austin.

im crazy.

I woke up this morning and my step mom tells me that there was a rose on the door step. Needless to say...this guy is a keeper. A real keeper. He's good. Too good. He's gonna make me fall for him if he keeps this up. Actually, I think i already did.....