I don't get it.

Why does she not understand? What did i do to make her hate me so much? I'm sorry i'm not perfect. I'm sorry i didn't make officer. I'm sorry that EVERYTHING i do isn't good enough for you. But damn, why do you always feel the need to make me feel horrible about everything i do? I honestly don't know what i'm supposed to do. I try and try to make you proud, i try and be there for you through everything...and what do i get? Nothing. I was there for you when you were going through chemo...i was there. Not Michelle or Sarah. Maybe if i told you i had the same thing you do...maybe, just maybe you'll treat me like i mean something. I'm tired of being the outsider. Never being anything to anyone. I really don't ask for much. I really don't. And it seems like more i try and get people to accept me...the more i screw myself over. You are part of the reason i can't trust anyone. I'm so freakin afraid of trusting someone that means the a lot to me..and then getting walked out on again. Every time i start to feel happy, i think of you, Michelle, Sarah and even Clint...and it all goes away. The four people that i trusted with my entire everything, shot me in head. And to be honest, if i had the GUTS to tell you all of this you'd probably hate me even more. But i'd rather be with one person for the rest of my life, than to be with you four... The one person that won't judge me. The one person that actually gives a shit about me. The one person who actually thinks i'm special...even when i tell him i'm not. How is it possible for someone to treat me so well....and me only know him for a few months. Sometimes i don't get it. He's the only reason i'm still here. The only reason i havent done anything stupid yet. He says he wants to protect me...but he doesnt realize that he already does. Before i started dating him i was a complete mess. Screwed over by my family and ex boyfriend. I honestly didn't wanna do it anymore. But he's the ONLY reason i'm here. And i would go through everything...everything that you guys put me through, AGAIN, if it meant i could stay with him forever. He is truly my entire world. I wouldnt trade him for anything. I just wish he knew how much he really does mean to me. And i'm working on telling him about the cancer. I just havent found the right moment to tell him. I don't wanna upset him...and i want him to think everything is ok, i don't want him to worry about me...because i want him to be as happy as he can be.

Sometimes i think i ruin it for him.

I tend to screw up a lot:/

I just hope he knows how much he really does save my life, every day.