This weekend was unbelievable...i can't even imagine me doing half of the things i did. After the game me, Rachel and Ingrid went over to Kaleeds friends house. Everybody was drinking and so we decited to play Waterfall and Beer pong. I had a total of 6 keystones and 4 shots. And maybe i would never have gotten as drunk as i did if i had eatin something that day. But i didnt and it turned out to be the worse thing. Rachel made out with some guy in the bathroom and shes a virgin so we were trying to get her out but the guy told us to leave her alone and let her have some fun...so we did. and this other guy was being really nice to me. Telling me how good he does in college and how he was going back the next day. And i made out with him. Afterwards i felt horrible and i knew what i was doing and i just couldnt stop it. I was living in the moment. I think i even called Nik once at the party. I dont really remember what i said. All i know is that i threw up outside of ingrids car and rachels front yard. Plus i passed out on her front yard for about 10 minutes until she told me to get up. Junior was texting me pretty much all night and he was being suprisingly nice to me. I was about to go over to his house but Rachel stopped me, telling me i had already made out with one guy tonight. I went to sleep and woke up with the biggest hang over. Went to take-a-date. Boring as shit. Beat some guys ass in foose ball. After cleaning up we went with ingrid back to Rachels house and got ready to go to a bar to see Durbins cousin sing. We were there for about an hour and then left and went to Durbins house and called people wondering what to do. After the previous night i told myself i wouldnt drink again. But once we found a place to go. I sorta just forgot about it and said fuck it. We all got high off of weed (which was the first time i have EVER done that) and it was probably my biggest mistake. I guess i thought that reality sucks and being drunk and high made everything seem less important. I didnt have to think about Nik and how i fucked things up. How i lost the one guy that actually cared about me. Now it fucking sucks. Im trying to get over him. And i cant. I just cant. which means im soooo lost now. i know for sure we cant be together. Everything seems so bad. My best friend thinks im different and that im a horrible person. When im drunk i didnt have to think about my mom and how she fucking hates me. Nothing was important. I told life just to fuck off and that i didnt care. I regret some things i did, but it doesnt change the views i have on life. I think life is just so overrated, and that people who are happy are lucky bastards who dont deserve it and those who arent happy, are the good ones that cant find it in their heart to be happy. Life is a big fuck up and i never thought i would be the kind of person who would be saying that. But i cant deal with it. I hate it. Everything is so fucked up. No matter what i do nothing EVER gets better, only worse. Theres only so much i can do in this life and its not worth it to me anymore. Fuck it im so done with it.
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