Damn, my life sucks.

So a few days ago i got kicked out my moms house. We were fighting as usual and she said i was out. Great. I stayed with Denise for a couple days. And it seemed like everything was going wrong. Next thing i know my foot is sprained and Nik and i basically hate eachother. Just great. I dont think ive ever felt so confused in my life. I don't even know what to do. Apparantly i'm "disrespectful" which is total bull shit. Nik said that and i got super pissed. He has no idea what im going through and then he throws this shit on me? It's like he wants me to deal with him along with all my other problems. I dont't have time to deal with him and my mom and everyone else. He makes it seem like hes the only person that matters to me. It just so happens i have almost everyone on my mom side of the family that hates me. They aren't supporting me anymore or talking to me. The only time my mom talks to me is when shes yelling at me. Nik doesnt understand how difficult my life is. He makes me think he does but he really has no idea. I dont even know if he really cares. what does he expect? Every time someone has a bad day...tbey should apologize? No, thats not how life works. If he would have just left me alone i wouldnt have said anything "disrepectful" to him. I don't even know if we can still be the same after this. Its like our relationship is going down hill anyways. So i dont know if it even matters anymore. Whats done is done. If he cant accept that im going through a hard time then why am i still talking to him? Its one bad thing after another. Like im not meant to be happy. But thats all for now. Dr. Strong keeps eye-balling me from the front of the room. Not like i care. Hes an ass anyways. Peace.

Sometimes i wish all this would go away. I wish i could change everything that ive done. Everything ive said. But i cant. I dont really know how to handle things anymore. Its like one event after another. One little fight with my mom changed everything. Im probably living with my dad and Denise now. I think im changing schools. Im going to try to get into this school called Booker T. Washington of performing arts. You have to either audition or bring a portfolio. The school is mainly for dancers, artists, musicians, actors and actresses. It also has your normal English, Math, History, and Science. Along with other electives. The more i think about it, the more i want to go there. How awesome would it be to dance everyday for 3 periods? To meet new people and get loads of scholarship options? Of course i would be going there for dance and not art. The auditions are either Feb 7th or March 6th. You have to perform a ballet combo and make up a min solo. I don't know if ill get in but im going to try. It seems like a good idea.

I really fucked up this weekend.

This weekend was unbelievable...i can't even imagine me doing half of the things i did. After the game me, Rachel and Ingrid went over to Kaleeds friends house. Everybody was drinking and so we decited to play Waterfall and Beer pong. I had a total of 6 keystones and 4 shots. And maybe i would never have gotten as drunk as i did if i had eatin something that day. But i didnt and it turned out to be the worse thing. Rachel made out with some guy in the bathroom and shes a virgin so we were trying to get her out but the guy told us to leave her alone and let her have some fun...so we did. and this other guy was being really nice to me. Telling me how good he does in college and how he was going back the next day. And i made out with him. Afterwards i felt horrible and i knew what i was doing and i just couldnt stop it. I was living in the moment. I think i even called Nik once at the party. I dont really remember what i said. All i know is that i threw up outside of ingrids car and rachels front yard. Plus i passed out on her front yard for about 10 minutes until she told me to get up. Junior was texting me pretty much all night and he was being suprisingly nice to me. I was about to go over to his house but Rachel stopped me, telling me i had already made out with one guy tonight. I went to sleep and woke up with the biggest hang over. Went to take-a-date. Boring as shit. Beat some guys ass in foose ball. After cleaning up we went with ingrid back to Rachels house and got ready to go to a bar to see Durbins cousin sing. We were there for about an hour and then left and went to Durbins house and called people wondering what to do. After the previous night i told myself i wouldnt drink again. But once we found a place to go. I sorta just forgot about it and said fuck it. We all got high off of weed (which was the first time i have EVER done that) and it was probably my biggest mistake. I guess i thought that reality sucks and being drunk and high made everything seem less important. I didnt have to think about Nik and how i fucked things up. How i lost the one guy that actually cared about me. Now it fucking sucks. Im trying to get over him. And i cant. I just cant. which means im soooo lost now. i know for sure we cant be together. Everything seems so bad. My best friend thinks im different and that im a horrible person. When im drunk i didnt have to think about my mom and how she fucking hates me. Nothing was important. I told life just to fuck off and that i didnt care. I regret some things i did, but it doesnt change the views i have on life. I think life is just so overrated, and that people who are happy are lucky bastards who dont deserve it and those who arent happy, are the good ones that cant find it in their heart to be happy. Life is a big fuck up and i never thought i would be the kind of person who would be saying that. But i cant deal with it. I hate it. Everything is so fucked up. No matter what i do nothing EVER gets better, only worse. Theres only so much i can do in this life and its not worth it to me anymore. Fuck it im so done with it.