This is getting old...

I feel like ive been in this situation before. Everything looks & feels the same. Of course it feels way worse than im used to but i can deal. I'm at this point right now where i really don't want to be around. Everyone & everything ive ever known has just turned on me. i seriously have no one. This isn't the first time i've never wanted to live. I can't deal with life's challenges. I can't handle the pain everyone seems to cause me. I don't want to be second thought. I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong, so that you can appriciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you can eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. I've made mistakes in my life. I've let people take advantage of me & i've excepted way less than what i deserve. But i've learned from my bad choices & even though there are some things i can never get back & people who will never be sorry. I know better next time & won't settle for anything less than what i deserve. I didn't want to live. I didn't think i could. Until this guy proved to me that life is too great & should never be wasted. I'm pretty sure he stopped me from making the biggest mistake i could have ever done. He basically saved my life. Made me realize that i can get through anything and still be happy. Maybe it's true, maybe we don't know what we have until we've lost it. But, maybe it's also true that we don't know what we're missing until we find it.As we grow up...we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and its harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend, you'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast. And you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt. Because every sixty seconds you spend upset...is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

" I'm the type of girl that can be so hurt but still look at you & smile. The type of girl who is willing to brighten your day even if i can't brighten my own. "

<3>

yeah...even if i can't brighten up my own...:(

Who knew it would end? end at all?

God. Who would have thought i would be writing one of these...This week seemed great. Until yesterday...I went to the movies with Denise and Omair to see "Bride Wars" again. I'm pretty sure it was funnier the second time. Everything was going great until i ran into Connor. Which was pretty awkard i might add. That was the first time we talked since our little talk. He acted like i wasnt even there. He made me realize i had a lot more problems than i thought i did. Connor, Nik, Timmy...I basically lost all of these guys in one night. Timmy and i got into a fight. Connor and I got into a fight. Me and Nik arent even together anymore. :/ Yeah, its hard and ill just have to face everything on Tuesday. Timmy chose Connor over me?! We were "best friends" and he tells everyone my business?! I just...can't be friends with someone like that. I think ive just been into too many relationships that i can't tell the difference between a dream and reality...Im sorry it had to end this way. There's just too many things i have to deal with...fix...end. I have to do it alone. Clear these things up. I have to make things better with my past and then look forward to the future. Nik...i know he loves me...i know he will be there for me. I never doubted him for a second. I never planned on breaking his heart. I was hoping i wouldn't...but the truth is...i broke my heart in the process.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEKQbjMWHMk

09' Already?

This year seemed like it just flew past me. I dont know where it went. hmm. New Year's was alright. Not the best ever but it was alright. I spent New Year's at home this year with no booze and no crazy friends. At home watching One Tree Hill. lol. I guess i was just thinking about everything that had happened this year. How i fell in love, got lost in love, screwed some people over, and even made new friends. But this year i plan to change everything about myself. Be more mature. No sex. Control my drinking. Be a little nicer to people, and even try and do more things for others. Who knows how long this will last, but i guess its worth a shot. There is quite a bit i want to do this year. Hopefully get into a good school, try out for Officer. etc. Possibly Ramblers, possibly. haha. Who knows what this year will bring me. A new boyfriend (hopefully not), new friends, new goals and more stories. I figure ill let it take me where it wants. Maybe try not to try too hard at things and just take it easy and live it.
hmm..writing this all down makes it a lot easier to understand. Changing everything about myself might be a little hard considering its who i am. We'll see where it takes me...

Stephanie