andddd yeah.

I'm pretty sure i remember a conversation i had with you a few days ago. About how you tell people straight up what you think about them. And that if they're in the wrong, you tell them. This isn't me being mean, or bashing you. Yeah i'm upset and a little pissed off. But i'm gonna be honest with you. It doesn't matter to me what you think is right. Because all in all, at the end of the day. You can still close the door. Since you probably won't be able to leave, and do nothing. And just waste life being miserable. Yeah you spent money you didn't have, so have i. But you distance yourself and we're always gonna be different. The one night you needed me, was the one night i couldn't understand. I couldn't understand anything you were saying because i didn't even know what i was doing. If i was acting normal and okay and not intoxicated. Then yes, everything would've been fine. I would've been there for you. But damn, people fuck up when they're drunk. It's always been that way. You act like moving to my sisters was gonna make you feel wanted. Well that's not how it works. I don't even feel wanted. I live with myself. I cope with myself. I do everything by myself because i can't deal with anyone in my family. Which is why i don't talk to my dad, i don't talk to my mom, Sarah and i aren't talking, i haven't talked to my cousins in years. And this is why i don't have real friends. Because no one is real anymore. I'm not going to beg you to live with me, because it's clear you'd rather be alone. I had always felt sorry for you when you lived with your parents. No you didn't ask me to, but i believe it or not i do have a little bit of a heart. Regardless of what you've said. They aren't normal, and maybe they've turned you into who you are today. But i felt bad for you. And always felt guilty because i got out of my house and you were trapped in yours. You might not see everything i have done for you, and that's only because i didn't show it. You were miserable at your house, i practically begged Michelle to let you move in because she was so unsure about it. A chance to live a fucking normal life, without having to come home to a drunk, or a crack head. To have freedom, yeah it may not have been much more than what you had, but it was freedom. And no you didn't ask me to do it. But i did. Because you seemed like you needed a way out. So regardless of what you think about me. I'm not as horrible as i seem. And doing all of that, i didn't complain, because you had helped me before and i felt like i need to repay you. So at this point it doesn't matter if you go home, or are home, or about to go home. I'm not begging you to stay, because i feel like regret will take hold of you soon enough. You can only be tortured so much until you break, and you weren't tortured here. So have a good one, i hope you and Erick figure things out. Blah blah blah. and yeah. You can go live your life and i'll live mine.

Who's to blame.

I'm not even sure where to begin. I normally don't stay mad for long anyways so an apology probably wasn't necessary. I don't know what happened in the last 24 hours. Frankly, i don't even want to think about it. I've never been so hurt in my life by you. I can't even think about the thing's you've said about me. Hate is such a strong word and i would never say i hate you. Ever. But you use the word so often it's insane. You can judge my relationship and judge me all you want. I'm quite used to it at this point. I'm sorry for "not being there for you when you needed me." In case you haven't noticed my shit isn't all together lately. I can't focus on your relationship when mine is falling through the cracks as we speak. I'm trying to hold on to him but no matter what i do, something always goes wrong. I've never been that friend people came to for help. Mostly because i was always the friend that needed it. So i'm sorry if im not so good at it yet. I'm all for admitting when i do something wrong. I usually always end up admitting it anyways. But at this point i'm in complete shock that i actually read what you said to Peyton about me. You said you love me. But not for the person i am. Just because you've loved me for so long. How the fuck does that even make sense?! What kind of person am i? I'm fucking Stephanie Dorso. Confused. Broke. Living in fucking hell. Waiting for a guy who thinks i lie to him about everything i say. I can't keep it together anymore. I've learned not to ask people for help, but to deal with it on my own. This is why i sleep for hours, and i stay in my room locked up once i get home. Because no one can really help me, but me. I'm the only person that can make it go away. And when i'm upset, i like to go out. I like to drink and party and be social. Because that's the only way i've ever known how to cope with it. You've always been so quick to point out the flaws in other people. So quick to assume that you know everything about them. Half of the stuff i've told you...isn't even the entire story about what's going on in my life. So you're lectures you message me and text me about me and my issues that i have, are always going to be cut in half. I'm all for advice, giving, recieving, whatever. Do i ask for it? No. Do i get it anyways? Yes. You've cheered me up on my worst days, i admit it. But when it all comes down to it. You're right it all comes down to being just things. Everyone said it would be a bad idea for you to move in. Austin got angry at me for it. My mom showed complete doubt you'd last. Even Nick and Michelle thought you'd be gone two weeks before you got here. Yeah you pay rent, so i do i. And i still have rules, why? Because it's someone else's house. Our little two hundred dollars a month doesn't do shit for this house. Michelle doesn't make profit off of us. All it does, if at all, is pay for the extra water and electricity being used. That's it. And when you think about it. There's hardly any rules. Put the dishes in the dish washer. Keep the lights off when you aren't in the room. Lock the front door. Everything that i'm sure you'd do in your own house. So Michelle doesn't want Erick spending the night. Big deal, you've gotten around it before and it's always been ok. She doesn't give you a curfew, you're allowed to stay out as late as you want. Honestly, it's fucking heaven to me. You can go back home and go back to being little Denise who runs away from absolutely everything. In the end you're the one who's gonna regret moving back home. Because you know damn well you're fucking miserable there. And the extra 200 dollars and few little rules should be a piece of cake. Remember that i'm the rebellious one of us two, if i can manage to follow the rules, you can to. You're gonna go back to your drunk mom who makes you feel nothing but insecure about yourself. Your fucking crazy ass sister who you claim you can't stand. And if you and Erick are still together, you're not going to see him as much. So if that's the life you want. Go for it. You wanted a way out, i gave it to you. But if you're gonna actually bail the first little fight we get into then you're even weaker than i thought. And you can get angry at me for being so blunt and honest, that's completely ok. Because if i have to i will be completely honest. And i mean it when i say you're stronger than that. And you said it best. "Moving home would be taking a step back." You're damn straight it would be.You get mad at me for not hanging out with you or making time for you. When in Austin's eyes i don't make time for him. So i'm fucking stuck between both of yall saying i don't make time for each other because i'm too busy fucking trying to split the damn time. I can't please yall at all. You've hurt me, i've hurt you. I realize you don't want to be friends, and that's fine. I've lost many. But please be aware that the friends you do have, aren't really your friends. Peyton keeps bailing on you whenever yall make plans. Emily, well we all know how fucked up and crazy she is. She's always got a fucking comment to say about everyone. Alex? She's a fucking whore, and if you even think for one second that you're more important than that, you're not. Because you've gotta be fucked up to even think about whoring yourself around. So when you look at allllllllllllll of these people you're friends with, who is the less fucked up one of them all? HONESTLY. You don't even have to say it, cause we both know. You can do what you want. I won't stop you. But think long and hard if this is what you really want, cause after wednesday there's no turning back. If we are ever ok after this, which is doubtful, maybe things will be different. Who know's. Who cares right?

Well it's about time.

Why can't things just be simple. I feel like everything in life is taken to a place where it's just so fucking complicated. I don't want complicated, no one does. We all take something so plain and turn it into this over-analyzation of nonsense. I wish that people (including myself) could just take something as it is, without making it into a bigger deal. I mean doesn't over analyzing just make things harder? Whatever, i'm just babbling. I feel like shit right now actually. My pride, my hope, and my self-esteem were just extremely altered. I hate letting one person destroy my emotions, but when it's someone who you thought you cared for...it makes it really hard to push aside.

Today I choose to stop letting my family have power over me. I choose to stop allowing how they act affect me. I'm not going to be angry, or bitter because of how they are toward me. But instead I'm going to ignore their ways. I'm going to just focus on my life. I'm not going to let how they treat me define me and how I respond to the hurt anymore.
Some families are close. Some families they love and support each other. They may get into disagreements at times, but later make up. They get hugs and kisses and I love you's. They get parents who support their dreams and actually have relationships with them.
Some people aren't so lucky. To me, even if you are from a foster home, or you are adopted, be thankful that you had another place to go. Be thankful that those other people took you in. Hope they were kind to you. Because you don't really know if your parents were even mentally able to love and care for you. Don't think things would be better if you lived with your natural parents.
I lived with my natural parents and it was pure hell on earth. I wish I was given up for adoption or in a foster home...I just might have gotten the love I needed. Growing up with no hugs, kisses, support, encouragement...feeling like you are the only one who will protect yourself. It's a harsh reality to many. And just to think there is always someone out there experiencing worst than what I've even gone through. Some children, even in the USA, parents abandon them while they are young 10, younger or older and they have no adult to take them in...they have been left to the streets to sell themselves to they can survive and feed their other siblings. Some kids get beat so badly they are hospitalized and some die.

Even though my childhood and adulthood has been hard I'm trying to hold on to some hope. At least Austin loves me.

60 Things Guys Do, That They Should STOP

1. Don't EVER tell us to CALM DOWN when we're angry. We hate that, and it often makes the situation worse.
2. Don't act like you know what you're talking about when you don't. It just pisses us off.
3. Don't treat us badly and with disrespect.
4. Don't give us commands like we're some kind of dog. We're your equal and should be treated as such.
5. Sure, you're the guy, so you can act like you're the stronger one... Whatever... But, don't EVER act like you're the head of the house. Relationships are to be an equal situation.
6. Don't yell at us when we do something wrong.
7. When you screw up, don't blame your fault on us.
8. Don't be rude to our side of the family. Ever.
9. Don't give yourself special privilges.
10. Don't hide anything from us.
11. Don't tell us lies.
12. Don't make stupid decisions.
13. When we act mean or hissy, don't get us even more angry by acting like a jerk. We're girls. You don't understand what we go through.
14. Don't be immature.
15. DON'T CHEAT ON US!!!
16. Don't ever say, "Go make me a sandwich!" Or something along those lines... We're not your damn maids!!!
17. Don't tell us to clean up after your messes.
18. Don't be lazy.
19. Don't abuse us!!! We're not animals!!! We're your equal!!! I can't express that enough.
20. Don't talk over us, believe me when you listen, we'll listen.
21. Don't turn the problem around when it is CLEARLY your fault.
22. Don't hold grudges if we try apologizing for something we did wrong.
23. Don't make us worry by staying out all night and not coming home until later.
24. Don't forget to compliment us when we put on a cute outfit and spice up our look. It pisses us off when we spend all that time getting ready to not get a compliment from you.
25. When you know we're right, don't act like you know you're right. When you're wrong, it's better to admit it.
26. Don't treat us badly in front of friends just to show your manly-hood. Again, we're your EQUAL.
27. Don't cop a joke on us and embarrass us. It's NOT funny! Especially when we're surrounded by strangers or friends.
28. If we ask a question like, "Do I look fat in this dress?" Don't tell us a lie to save our feelings. Tell us the truth. But do it in a nice way. Not a mean way. This will show us that you're honest.
29. Don't forget to tell us you love us!
30. Don't act like we're nothing.
31. Don't act like we're just somebody in your life to cook for you and provide you with sexual pleasure.
32. Don't make us do something we don't want to do.
33. Don't threaten us.
34. Don't put pressure on us.
35. Don't make us do everything to maintain a good relationship.
36. Don't cast rude comments on us when we're crying.
37. Don't say that another girl is hot or beautiful in front of us. You wanna get slapped?!
38. Don't laugh at us when we do something wrong, screw something up, or embarrass ourselves.
39. Don't push us in pools!!! ESPECIALLY when we have make up on!!
40. Don't treat us unfairly.

41. You don’t have PMS; don’t act like you know what it’s
like.
42. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook;
doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
43. If you talk about having a big dick; we know you don’t.
44. Size does matter, but only to hoes; not girls that
want relationships.
45. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe.
46. It’s good to be sensitive, sometimes.
47. Be spontaneous; dinner and a movie won’t always cut it. We are self-conscious by nature; we can’t help it.
48. We are DrAmA queens.
49. Don’t ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.
50. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
51. We don’t shave our legs every day so get over it.
52. Don’t make bets about us; we always find out.
53. Shave; no matter how cool you think your goatte or
beard or mustache looks, we hate it.
54. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emitt
other strange gases from your body, it is not.
55. Don’t compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson’s;
hers are fake, just remember that. ( u have a better shot
at ours than you ever will with hers)
56. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big
fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick, so why
the hell can’t you piss in the toilet and not on it.
57. Don't act smarter than us, even you are, it's fucking annoying listening about everything you "know about better than us."

58. When you want us to open up. LISTEN. I don't know how you can listen and move your mouth at the same time.That is called "talking". Talking and listening are two different things, probably why they are called different names.

59. Act like a man, not a baby. Being sensitive is totally okay and understandable. But every day...you might wanna change to a women at that point. We're emotional, we expect you to keep us calm.

60. Don't bring up our flaws, we realize we're not perfect in the first place...

I feel like punching someone...

I’m usually ok with stupid arguments. Andddddd Austin and I have a lot of those lately. They all are completely unnecessary. But there is ONE that always pisses me off and that’s when Austin says I’m cheating on him, or have cheated on him or in the process of cheating on him. That’s like the only thing he throws at me. I’m not really sure why he does it. I’ve always been faithful to him. I never hang out with guys that like me or that try to get with me. I feel like he just comes up with these lame ideas just to make me mad. He does a really good job sometimes. But what he fails to realize is that I NEVER tell him he cheated on me. I told him ONCE and that was because some idiot decided to text me saying shit. I mean because I semi “believed” them is it really necessary for him to accuse me of cheating? As awful as it sounds, the MORE he says it, the more I want to prove him right. If I didn’t have morals, and if I didn’t care about him, that would probably be an option right about now. I mean seriously? If you want me to “cheat” on you, then BOOM I’m gonna prove you right. That’s pretty much what goes through my head whenever he says it. It’s quite annoying and immature if you ask me. I mean if he can’t realize by now that I’m not gonna cheat on him, then we shouldn’t get married. Why get married with no trust? I think he finds it amusing to hurt me sometimes. Isn’t that sad? My own BOYFRIEND thinks it’s funny to play with my heart…:/ It’s so pointless to argue with him about it sometimes that I just ignore him. He used to know how to treat me…and now I think he’s forgotten. If someone’s going to treat me like shit, I’m not going to stick around. Especially when someone is DELIBERATELY trying hurt me. I think it’s really fucked up. Who treats their GF like that?! I’m seriously at a loss for words. And he ALWAYS brings it up. Like that’s ALL he wants to talk about. I miss how he used to be. He used to be the guy that swept me off my feet and could make me fall in love with him over and over and over again. Even being so far away he always had that power over me. It’s like at first we were great. And when we’re good, we’re great so I don’t know what’s happened. The first few months of our relationship consisted of really cute things. Cute little facebook messages and status’, flowers, nice voicemails to wake up to and even our skype conversations were great. But now every time I get on facebook, it’s an argument. It’s Austin stalking my facebook because he doesn’t trust me. I’m the only one that tells everyone on facebook that I’m thinking about him and that I love him. I’m always posting something about him. And I realize that it’s just facebook and it shouldn’t matter and I shouldn’t get worked up over the fact that he doesn’t post anything. But it really does get to me sometimes. Because I always make it known that he’s mine and I’m his, but not him. Maybe he’s embarrassed to be with me. Maybe he’s doing stuff with other girls on facebook and he doesn’t want me to find out. As crazy as it sounds, that’s what goes through my head. The flowers have stopped, and yeah that’s not a big huge deal either, but at the beginning I was getting flowers every month. He was always letting me know he was thinking of me with his voicemails. I just feel like the romance isn’t there anymore. And if it’s dying NOW, is there going to be any left when we get married? Is he still going to love me the same? Are we going to just…die off? It doesn’t feel the same anymore. And although I love him more than anything in this world, it doesn’t seem to get to him. Our skype conversations used to be nice because we would just talk for hours about everything in our lives. That’s how I got to know him. That’s how I fell in love with him. The flowers and shit doesn’t mean anything unless we can go back to the way we were. I miss those days the most. The first 3 months of our relationship was amazing, I always wanted to talk to him. I would waste hours when I knew I had stuff to do, just to talk to him, because I missed him. And now our conversations aren’t conversations…but arguments. It’s always she did this or he did that. No matter how good my day went, I get home and dread talking to him because we fight too much. Our relationship becomes more repetitive all the time. Go to work, argue a little, make up a little, say a bunch of I love you’s, get off work, talk a little bit on the phone, text some more, finally get on skype and then BOOM….more arguing. He thinks I lie alllllllll the time to him. When I go out and say I’ll be home at a different time he flips out. He acts like my mother. I mean dear god, just because I don’t call you in exactly an hour like I say I will doesn’t mean I won’t talk to you that night. I always call him back no matter what the time is. I never ask him to revolve his plans around me and when he does he doesn’t get the result he wants, it’s my fault. No matter what I do, I always do something wrong. I mean if you wanna make plans, go freakin ahead. It’s your life and you’re your own person. If you want to revolve your life around me and make plans around what I tell you then go for it. Just don’t expect a good result. It’s plain and simple. I wish I could tell him all of this…but I feel it would just result to another argument, so it’s almost better if I just keep it to myself. I used to be able to talk to him without hesitation, but lately all I get is his negativity. Instead of being supportive he lectures me about every little thing. I can never win with him. I always do something wrong. My opinion on anything doesn’t matter to him. I’m just worn out now. We spend more time defending our relationship than actually having one. The romance is gone and it feels like I’m just wasting my time with him. He’s not going to change. He’s not going back to the way he was. So I basically have two choices. Live with him, be with him, take all the shit he throws at me, and become mentally abused. Or I leave him, go my separate way, and try to live my life with no drama. It just sucks because I love him so much. I really really really love this guy and I feel like I’m the only one waiting here. He thinks he’s waiting for me but really he’s just waiting to get out of the ARMY. I don’t care what he says. I’m the ONLY one WAITING. That’s his job. That’s what he signed up to do. I realized this before I started dating him. He even told me before he asked me, “I want to ask you something, but it’s complicated.” Complicated?! It’s more than complicated! I have to go EVERY SINGLE DAY answering people’s stupid questions about him. “What’s he doing in the ARMY?” “Do you miss him?” “Is he ever going to come home?” “Has he killed anyone?” The most retarded questions I’ve ever heard in my life…and I answer them all the time. If I don’t do anything for him…the ONLY thing that should matter is that I’m still here. If I don’t do any other fucking thing for him…WAITING should be enough for him. After 8 months of being together he seems to think I don’t do anything for him. I mean he’s so quick to point out what I do wrong, but hesitant to compliment the things I do right. Needless to say, he makes me feel p-r-e-t-t-y shitty sometimes. I just wish he would change….i wish he would go back to the way he was. When he loved me enough to respect the things I say, or the things I tell him. He’s just so difficult to work with some times. He used to love me, and treat me amazing. Now I’m back to being “that girl I’m dating.” Just “that girl.”

BOREDDDDD

So I'm sitting here lying around with my blanket and stuffed animal, Austin Kidd Jr. I sound like a have a frog in my throat. Since it hurts to talk I thought I would express my thoughts as well....i’m bored. I love summertime, family time, friends, flip-flops, long swims, sunshine, the lake, tanning, snow cones and watermelon. Those are the things I think of when it comes to summer. Now winter is my favorite time of the year but summer is pretty awesome too. I just don't like the heat. But I love putting my Maroon Five, Aerosmith, or Def Leppard CD's in and turning them up as loud as I can stand it with all the windows rolled down and singing to the top of my lungs. Random note: I'm watching “Finding Nemo” right now and can't help but laugh at Ellen's awesome performance. I'm counting down to Army Wives Season 3 premiere right now... I love Army Wives! I'm not sure if it’s because I'm with someone in the Army or what but that show is awesome! I feel like I can relate to every character and there aren't too many shows out there that do that for me. I bought tickets to see my solider I get to see him in less than 10 days. I can't wait. I love seeing him. He is my best friend. I have more fun with him than anyone else. He always knows how to make me laugh and is always there. I'm lucky in love with my best friend!!!! My Jesus i'm extremely bored.....

Life and other shenanigans

I've finally found myself in a decent relationship. I've always had the outlook that all relationships are abusive, and if they aren't, they will be someday…considering my mom and dad’s relationship. I guess it's a consequence of my mom's example, and I really do wish that I didn't think that way, but to my core, that’s what I believe. Whether it’s mentally or physically. I'm trying so hard to overcome that, but it’s hard. I will get there someday, though. I haven’t told Austin that yet…kind of scared to hear what he thinks. I've been dating the same guy for over 8 months now. (our 9 month is in later July). He's not perfect. He makes a lot of mistakes, is easily angered and bipolar some times. He's a genius though, and way smarter than I ever will be. No, he's not perfect, but he appreciates me. He loves me and cares for me, spoils me rotten, and protects me without hesitation. He trusts me, most of the time, truly, and has told me several times that someday, he plans on marrying me. He treats me right. I feel loved, and, amazingly, I love him. He helps me overcome that stupid belief I have that all relationships are abusive, or will be. I've gotten so mad at him before, cussing him out and throwing out serious below-the-belt comments, and he just apologized and tried to rationalize with me. He's been through quite a bit of horrible shit, too, much more than I have, so he understands me, and I try to understand him. My boyfriend is my best friend. Sometimes I worry that I cling to him because I’m so broken. I'm not big on attention like a lot of girls. Sometimes, when I'm feeling ugly or down, I'm thankful, but most of the time I just wish people wouldn't pay notice to me. I want to be invisible, as odd as it sounds. I don't doubt for a minute that he loves me, and I love him. But would we have made it as far as we did if it weren't for our shallowness? Just worries. Just thoughts. And after writing it, it seems a little silly. Me being a fixer seems real, but setting myself up to get hurt doesn't. He loves me, and he's proud to have me as his girlfriend. Right? I just….I love being with him and talking to him and hanging out, but the truth is that I want more. I want the hand-holding, and the calls goodnight. I want to walk around the mall with his arm around me. I want him to look at me the same way that I look at him. I want him to tell me that I'm beautiful and funny even if my jokes are lame and I'm in sweatpants and a t-shirt. I want that intimacy and trust and everything else that comes from being in a good relationship. I want all of that, and it sucks that I can't have it because he’s all the way up north, and I’m stuck in Texas…

Shit that REALLY pisses me off...

So on facebook, it always asks me, "What's on my mind?" but it only lets me type 420 characters. Lame. There's so much more on my mind then 420 characters. So to answer facebook's question, what IS on my mind? Every person that feels like they aren't good enough. Every person who feels like they're ugly or aren't good enough to get a realationship. Every person that goes home to a place that ISN'T a home. Every person that never gets enough sleep because they're staying up late listening to parents fight. Every person that lays in their bed whispering to themself how they want it all to disappear. Every person that feels like they're too fat so they make themself throw up. Every person who is put down by their parents, the people who are supposed to love them most. Every person that feels like they can't stop smiling because they have to stay strong, and if they don't, they'll fall apart. THAT is what is on my mind. THAT is what bugs me. It's sick. You don't know what goes on with them at home. We don't know the things they go through, when they're lving life on their own. We just don't realize or understand that even ONE word we say to someone can totally affect their life. It can completely change their day and their mood. Who ever said, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I'm sorry, but what were they thinking? It's true that people will can only shoot you down if you hand them the gun, but sometimes they steal the gun from your hands. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

"The Girl you just called fat? She has been starving herself & has lost over 30lbs. The Boy you just called stupid? He has a learning disability & studies over 4hrs a night. The Girl you just called ugly? She spends hrs putting makeup on hoping people will like her. The Boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home. There's a lot more to people than you think...

Just one of those days.

So it’s been a while since I’ve written anything on here. A lot has happened and honestly I don’t feel like writing everything that has happened in my life. But I will write what’s been on my mind lately for the past 3 months. I need to get it out. I need to write it all down and erase it from my mind. I’m so weak now. I’ve never been so weak in my life. I usually pick myself back up, but now I just can’t. Austin and I are in the worst position ever. Things have changed so much over the last 8 months it’s insane. I don’t know what went wrong. A lot has happened that I’m emotionally destroyed. I need to explain to myself how bad my situation really is. We went from a 10 to a 4 so fast. I don’t even know if there is any hope for us anymore. I guess you can say everything went down-hill after the miscarriage. One of the most tramautising things that has happened to me, and he wasn’t even here to help me through it. I couldn’t tell anyone about it. And when I told some people they just told me it would get better. Well, it hasn’t. I guess that’s where most of my frustration and anger comes out of. I hate thinking about because it kills me every time I do. And what makes matter’s worse is the fact that it wasn’t just one, it was two. Never in my life would I have thought of having twins. They ran in my family but they weren’t common. It’s a rare thing to me. When I finally told Austin…it was for sure the hardest thing I have been able to confess to him. I didn’t really know how to tell him, nor did I really want to. It sucks because I wanted them more than anything. I told Austin that it wouldn’t be a good thing and that it would ruin our lives but it might have been the best thing that could have happened to us. Maybe it would fix our relationship, maybe it would bring us closer. I have no idea. All I know is that I relive it every day. And for some reason I can’t get over it. And Austin makes it clear that I’m freaking out over nothing. He doesn’t understand that that’s the only reason I get upset. And that that’s the only thing that’s made me who I am today. I didn’t take it well, and I’m still not taking it well. He keeps saying we’ll try again. But I’m not ready to. I don’t want it to happen again. I don’t think I could handle it again. I just wish I could have done something. I blame myself a lot, and I know I shouldn’t. I just can’t think of an excuse for it. There isn’t any. They were in my stomach, I could control anything that happened…and I didn’t. And it just resulted in me losing them. And now I’m losing my boyfriend as well. I wish I could have stopped everything, I wish I could go back in time. If I did, maybe I wouldn’t be such a mess…I just wish I could get over it. I need Austin to be there for me. Why can’t he just be there for me…:(

I love him:)

You know... I love my man with all my heart and there is nothing I can't handle. But I must take a moment to vent. I am an Army girlfriend. Let me just tell you how hard it can be to handle a man that is away. It is soooo difficult. There is a strain on the relationship because for that time being it’s hard to actually have the "relationship." As an army girlfriend you are put in a hard position. Your man expects you to understand what he is going through and to be positive 24/7. They are always tired, low, and stressed. They look forward to hearing their woman's voice as much as they can because it gives them a sense of being at home. But the last thing they need is to hear negative things come from their life. After all, they are constantly surrounded by negative during the day. You learn that they don't mean to take their stress and irritability out on you but they just do. The hardest part is taking it all in and then just smiling and shrugging it off. You have to learn that your relationship issues must be put on hold because there is never a good time to show any negative sides. If you are reading this and have just gotten into a relationship with someone in the military know that I am no expert. But I am learning. It’s a difficult process but in time you start to understand a little more. The army come’s first whether you like it or not. That’s just the way it is. But remember you have a choice. If you really love the man and want to spend your life with him then you will never give up. Just continue to love, nurture, pray, and be positive. Believe me, I'm preaching to myself. I def don't have the hang of this at all yet but I'm learning and I'm also learning that I am not the only one. There are a million other army girlfriends/ wives/ and mothers that have or are still learning how to deal with this. Even though it’s hard...I wouldn't change a thing. I love him…

Dear (Insert name here)...

Good Lord, go to hell you, artificial barbie doll, on your high horse, with your fake nails and spray tan. Take that bottomless bank of money that you spend "perfecting" your body and shove it up your ass. You will have to take a thud to the head to realize you are nothing but plastic, and not in the slightest bit tangible.

Fuck You.

The way your Facebook is flooded with comments and wall post from other fake bitches. You boost each others self esteem by writing back and forth to each other. Then you can say "Oh look! A new notification" Well aren't you so damn popular.

Fuck You.

If thats what you think is important in this world? Then you can continue living in your fantasy, please, stay away from my reality. Your narcissistic attitude disgusts me. You can't take one day off? You're makeup is so thick I can poke a hole through it! How much blush do you need? Fake eyelashes? Have you ever gone one goddamned day without flourishing your face in manufactured goo? You are lightyears away from being organic, fuck your TOMS shoes, as if you gave a shit about anyone besides your self, let alone NATURE. Ha!

Seriously?

Fuck You.

All we ever do is say good bye...

Being an 'army girlfriend' comes with a lot of pride, happiness, sadness, etc. There are some days that are easy and there are other where I wonder, how am I ever going to make it through? Friend's don't really understand and it's frustrating. When they say stuff like, "Oh my boyfriend is going away for a week on vacation..." it makes me so angry. Vacation? War zone.. let's compare the differences. I feel like civilians take their relationships for granted. They can call their significant other when they please, the text messages, the time they can spend together when ever they want. One of my friends recently said to me that my boyfriend doesn't show me he loves me. ...Odd, when lately he's been away more than he's been home. I freakin get excited over a Skype call!! I'll take anything I can get. I love the fact that I am an army girlfriend, although we seem to be on the sidelines a lot of the time. Waiting and wondering are the hardest parts of this lifestyle. I am proud of my boyfriend and not many people can hold their head high and say their loved one is doing something wonderful for our country. When I see guys on my college campus in their ACU's, I just want to go up and talk to every single one of them. In a way, it's comforting. I can't wait until I can see my boyfriend again. I miss the physical part of our relationship. The simple things, like a kiss or holding his hand, are what I miss the most. Seeing civilian couples together in public is hard & yes, I get jealous, who doesn't? But, I have to keep pushing along; we all do. :( I just wish i we didnt have to keep saying good bye. It's so hard...i wish these two years would hurry up already. I'm ready to marry Austin now.

Once again. Another Goodbye:(

I don’t know where to start this post. So I guess I’ll start with thank you. Thank you for being the man that you are. Thank you for filling my heart with a love of such fierceness I can barely contain it. Thank you for extending the same respect you command from others. Thank you for having the integrity and strength to do the job that you do. Thank you for your unshakable work ethic. Thank you for your unwavering dedication to doing what’s right no matter the consequence. Thank you for not complaining each time the military plucks you up and sends you away at a moment’s notice. Thank you for being strong enough to leave your family behind while you fight a thankless war in a country that doesn’t want you. Thank you for reminding me every day that freedom isn’t free. Thank you for paying the price of that freedom in hard work, sweat, and tears. Thank you for enduring each missed holiday, birthday, and anniversary without a trace of bitterness. Thank you for witnessing my tears and calmly hearing out my frustrations when it all seems like too much. Thank you for all of this and so much more that I don’t have the words to express. I may not be able to tender the thanks of a grateful nation, but I can and do offer the thanks of a grateful girlfriend. Thank you for being my soul mate, best friend, and other half. I love you and miss you with every breath I take. I’m proud of you. I just want you home already...i can't take it. I love spending every minute with you. Just come back soon...or now. Please.

Military Girlfriend

I am a military girlfriend. I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be I am at the bottom of the chain. I hold no Military ID card; I am not a dependent or a parent. The man I love may face unspeakable dangers and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news. I understand this and accept this. I have promised to be here for him. They may say I am insane for making such a commitment, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home soon...safe. There is no ring on my finger to symbolize our commitment, though I love him no less for it. I hope every day that he talks to me, because a simple phone call or text message brings the greatest spectrum of emotions smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain. My relationship is based on a brief communication where I love you and I’m okay speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going. I take no moment spent together for granted. I hold onto every touch, kiss, and every word. I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will never ever forget. I cry myself to sleep some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off and start a new day. If you think being a soldier is tough, try loving one. If you think soldiers are strong, you should look at their girls.

Gosh i'm fat...

Soooooo today i skyped the boyfriend and hung out with Will. Gosh i work too much. I need another job. A better job:( Anyways, Will and i went to McDonalds and got 50 chicken nuggets!! We are gonna get fat!!!!! Sorry Austin but im gonna be a fatty when you come home. haha. Gotta love the bestie.

Joes:)

Went to eat at Joe's Crab shack today. Rachel and i took pictures in the bathroom like losers. I saw my friend Baylee today!! She came home from college for Christmas :) I also so Matty which is good. After Joe's, Will and i went to Aarons house and drank with Aaron and Denver and their roomies. It was awkward because each of them like me but everything went fine. I had my first Flaming Dr. Pepper:P I need Christmas to come soooo bad because i feel like im dying without Austin. I need himmmmmm. UGHHHHHHHH 4 days. COME ONNNN:(

PISSED!

AHHHHH i feel like ripping someone's head off. So guess what?! You'll never guess. Rachel AND Austin fucking lied to me. I remember clearly asking EACH of them what all they did with each other. And i was expecting the worst and i was OKAY with it. But EACH of them said they didnt have sex with each other. Rachel said she only had sex with one person. And Austin said he didnt have sex with her. Now normally im ok with the fact that people have sex. I get it because ive had mistakes too. But damn why did they have to lie to my face? I've never felt so betrayed in my life. I'm so ANGRY! I almost feel like saying screw them both. If i had KNOWN that i wouldve never gotten so close to Rachel. I wouldve never become BEST FRIENDS with her. She thinks i have no right to know this?! I'm his girlfriend and she's my best friend!! What the hell. This is such bull shit. I can't stand liars...i cant. I dont even want anything to do with them anymore. Austin hurt me so bad. He claimed he had no feelings for her. None at all. That she wasnt for him. If she wasnt for him why the hell did he go and have sex with her?! I mean is he really one of those guys that only wants sex. I don't understand. Is that all he wanted with me? I'm questioning everything now. FUCK THIS.

I did something crazy awesome:)

I love this man SO much that i wrote it in the back of Will's drive way with Erin's chalk...I feel kind of nerdy but it was so much fun doing it. :) I'm such a good girlfriend:D I'm the luckiest girl in the world. Who knows maybe this is the guy i'm gonna marry.... :) I could be happy with that:P
I love him. And it's such a strong word to say to someone. But i mean it entirely. Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love--well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. <3

Skypeeee :)

I found out today that Austin is coming home for Christmas!!!!!! I've never been so excited! Ive been wanting to see him for what seems like forever. I know it hasnt been that long but it feels like AGES for me. I cant wait. I love this man with everything i am. He's the only person i ever want to talk to. And the only person i feel like i belong with. He's the love of my life. I wanna marry this guy. I wanna make him my world. <3

"You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you."

Baby

How do you know who you can trust? I say, go with your gut feeling. I was a person whose self esteem was somewhat low, so I never trusted my instincts. I was always second guessing myself and chose to believe everyone. Boy did that lead to trouble, a lot of wasted time and continuous heart ache. At a certain point (and age) the heart can only take so much. It was time to think with my head and go with what my gut told me, no matter how hard it might be. Wouldn’t you know, the minute I began living out this thought process my self-esteem starting growing and my mental health began to gain some stability. From that point I began to be a whole person and not just the "shadow" of others. Then something really great happened, I was able to love me. What came next was amazing; I was ready for a healthy relationship and open my heart again to love. Now I am not saying that you should not trust people, I am saying that if something does not feel right then go with what you feel. But if something feels amazing and perfect and wonderful. Do NOT let it go......do not.