Just one of those days.

So it’s been a while since I’ve written anything on here. A lot has happened and honestly I don’t feel like writing everything that has happened in my life. But I will write what’s been on my mind lately for the past 3 months. I need to get it out. I need to write it all down and erase it from my mind. I’m so weak now. I’ve never been so weak in my life. I usually pick myself back up, but now I just can’t. Austin and I are in the worst position ever. Things have changed so much over the last 8 months it’s insane. I don’t know what went wrong. A lot has happened that I’m emotionally destroyed. I need to explain to myself how bad my situation really is. We went from a 10 to a 4 so fast. I don’t even know if there is any hope for us anymore. I guess you can say everything went down-hill after the miscarriage. One of the most tramautising things that has happened to me, and he wasn’t even here to help me through it. I couldn’t tell anyone about it. And when I told some people they just told me it would get better. Well, it hasn’t. I guess that’s where most of my frustration and anger comes out of. I hate thinking about because it kills me every time I do. And what makes matter’s worse is the fact that it wasn’t just one, it was two. Never in my life would I have thought of having twins. They ran in my family but they weren’t common. It’s a rare thing to me. When I finally told Austin…it was for sure the hardest thing I have been able to confess to him. I didn’t really know how to tell him, nor did I really want to. It sucks because I wanted them more than anything. I told Austin that it wouldn’t be a good thing and that it would ruin our lives but it might have been the best thing that could have happened to us. Maybe it would fix our relationship, maybe it would bring us closer. I have no idea. All I know is that I relive it every day. And for some reason I can’t get over it. And Austin makes it clear that I’m freaking out over nothing. He doesn’t understand that that’s the only reason I get upset. And that that’s the only thing that’s made me who I am today. I didn’t take it well, and I’m still not taking it well. He keeps saying we’ll try again. But I’m not ready to. I don’t want it to happen again. I don’t think I could handle it again. I just wish I could have done something. I blame myself a lot, and I know I shouldn’t. I just can’t think of an excuse for it. There isn’t any. They were in my stomach, I could control anything that happened…and I didn’t. And it just resulted in me losing them. And now I’m losing my boyfriend as well. I wish I could have stopped everything, I wish I could go back in time. If I did, maybe I wouldn’t be such a mess…I just wish I could get over it. I need Austin to be there for me. Why can’t he just be there for me…:(