andddd yeah.

I'm pretty sure i remember a conversation i had with you a few days ago. About how you tell people straight up what you think about them. And that if they're in the wrong, you tell them. This isn't me being mean, or bashing you. Yeah i'm upset and a little pissed off. But i'm gonna be honest with you. It doesn't matter to me what you think is right. Because all in all, at the end of the day. You can still close the door. Since you probably won't be able to leave, and do nothing. And just waste life being miserable. Yeah you spent money you didn't have, so have i. But you distance yourself and we're always gonna be different. The one night you needed me, was the one night i couldn't understand. I couldn't understand anything you were saying because i didn't even know what i was doing. If i was acting normal and okay and not intoxicated. Then yes, everything would've been fine. I would've been there for you. But damn, people fuck up when they're drunk. It's always been that way. You act like moving to my sisters was gonna make you feel wanted. Well that's not how it works. I don't even feel wanted. I live with myself. I cope with myself. I do everything by myself because i can't deal with anyone in my family. Which is why i don't talk to my dad, i don't talk to my mom, Sarah and i aren't talking, i haven't talked to my cousins in years. And this is why i don't have real friends. Because no one is real anymore. I'm not going to beg you to live with me, because it's clear you'd rather be alone. I had always felt sorry for you when you lived with your parents. No you didn't ask me to, but i believe it or not i do have a little bit of a heart. Regardless of what you've said. They aren't normal, and maybe they've turned you into who you are today. But i felt bad for you. And always felt guilty because i got out of my house and you were trapped in yours. You might not see everything i have done for you, and that's only because i didn't show it. You were miserable at your house, i practically begged Michelle to let you move in because she was so unsure about it. A chance to live a fucking normal life, without having to come home to a drunk, or a crack head. To have freedom, yeah it may not have been much more than what you had, but it was freedom. And no you didn't ask me to do it. But i did. Because you seemed like you needed a way out. So regardless of what you think about me. I'm not as horrible as i seem. And doing all of that, i didn't complain, because you had helped me before and i felt like i need to repay you. So at this point it doesn't matter if you go home, or are home, or about to go home. I'm not begging you to stay, because i feel like regret will take hold of you soon enough. You can only be tortured so much until you break, and you weren't tortured here. So have a good one, i hope you and Erick figure things out. Blah blah blah. and yeah. You can go live your life and i'll live mine.

Who's to blame.

I'm not even sure where to begin. I normally don't stay mad for long anyways so an apology probably wasn't necessary. I don't know what happened in the last 24 hours. Frankly, i don't even want to think about it. I've never been so hurt in my life by you. I can't even think about the thing's you've said about me. Hate is such a strong word and i would never say i hate you. Ever. But you use the word so often it's insane. You can judge my relationship and judge me all you want. I'm quite used to it at this point. I'm sorry for "not being there for you when you needed me." In case you haven't noticed my shit isn't all together lately. I can't focus on your relationship when mine is falling through the cracks as we speak. I'm trying to hold on to him but no matter what i do, something always goes wrong. I've never been that friend people came to for help. Mostly because i was always the friend that needed it. So i'm sorry if im not so good at it yet. I'm all for admitting when i do something wrong. I usually always end up admitting it anyways. But at this point i'm in complete shock that i actually read what you said to Peyton about me. You said you love me. But not for the person i am. Just because you've loved me for so long. How the fuck does that even make sense?! What kind of person am i? I'm fucking Stephanie Dorso. Confused. Broke. Living in fucking hell. Waiting for a guy who thinks i lie to him about everything i say. I can't keep it together anymore. I've learned not to ask people for help, but to deal with it on my own. This is why i sleep for hours, and i stay in my room locked up once i get home. Because no one can really help me, but me. I'm the only person that can make it go away. And when i'm upset, i like to go out. I like to drink and party and be social. Because that's the only way i've ever known how to cope with it. You've always been so quick to point out the flaws in other people. So quick to assume that you know everything about them. Half of the stuff i've told you...isn't even the entire story about what's going on in my life. So you're lectures you message me and text me about me and my issues that i have, are always going to be cut in half. I'm all for advice, giving, recieving, whatever. Do i ask for it? No. Do i get it anyways? Yes. You've cheered me up on my worst days, i admit it. But when it all comes down to it. You're right it all comes down to being just things. Everyone said it would be a bad idea for you to move in. Austin got angry at me for it. My mom showed complete doubt you'd last. Even Nick and Michelle thought you'd be gone two weeks before you got here. Yeah you pay rent, so i do i. And i still have rules, why? Because it's someone else's house. Our little two hundred dollars a month doesn't do shit for this house. Michelle doesn't make profit off of us. All it does, if at all, is pay for the extra water and electricity being used. That's it. And when you think about it. There's hardly any rules. Put the dishes in the dish washer. Keep the lights off when you aren't in the room. Lock the front door. Everything that i'm sure you'd do in your own house. So Michelle doesn't want Erick spending the night. Big deal, you've gotten around it before and it's always been ok. She doesn't give you a curfew, you're allowed to stay out as late as you want. Honestly, it's fucking heaven to me. You can go back home and go back to being little Denise who runs away from absolutely everything. In the end you're the one who's gonna regret moving back home. Because you know damn well you're fucking miserable there. And the extra 200 dollars and few little rules should be a piece of cake. Remember that i'm the rebellious one of us two, if i can manage to follow the rules, you can to. You're gonna go back to your drunk mom who makes you feel nothing but insecure about yourself. Your fucking crazy ass sister who you claim you can't stand. And if you and Erick are still together, you're not going to see him as much. So if that's the life you want. Go for it. You wanted a way out, i gave it to you. But if you're gonna actually bail the first little fight we get into then you're even weaker than i thought. And you can get angry at me for being so blunt and honest, that's completely ok. Because if i have to i will be completely honest. And i mean it when i say you're stronger than that. And you said it best. "Moving home would be taking a step back." You're damn straight it would be.You get mad at me for not hanging out with you or making time for you. When in Austin's eyes i don't make time for him. So i'm fucking stuck between both of yall saying i don't make time for each other because i'm too busy fucking trying to split the damn time. I can't please yall at all. You've hurt me, i've hurt you. I realize you don't want to be friends, and that's fine. I've lost many. But please be aware that the friends you do have, aren't really your friends. Peyton keeps bailing on you whenever yall make plans. Emily, well we all know how fucked up and crazy she is. She's always got a fucking comment to say about everyone. Alex? She's a fucking whore, and if you even think for one second that you're more important than that, you're not. Because you've gotta be fucked up to even think about whoring yourself around. So when you look at allllllllllllll of these people you're friends with, who is the less fucked up one of them all? HONESTLY. You don't even have to say it, cause we both know. You can do what you want. I won't stop you. But think long and hard if this is what you really want, cause after wednesday there's no turning back. If we are ever ok after this, which is doubtful, maybe things will be different. Who know's. Who cares right?