I’m usually ok with stupid arguments. Andddddd Austin and I have a lot of those lately. They all are completely unnecessary. But there is ONE that always pisses me off and that’s when Austin says I’m cheating on him, or have cheated on him or in the process of cheating on him. That’s like the only thing he throws at me. I’m not really sure why he does it. I’ve always been faithful to him. I never hang out with guys that like me or that try to get with me. I feel like he just comes up with these lame ideas just to make me mad. He does a really good job sometimes. But what he fails to realize is that I NEVER tell him he cheated on me. I told him ONCE and that was because some idiot decided to text me saying shit. I mean because I semi “believed” them is it really necessary for him to accuse me of cheating? As awful as it sounds, the MORE he says it, the more I want to prove him right. If I didn’t have morals, and if I didn’t care about him, that would probably be an option right about now. I mean seriously? If you want me to “cheat” on you, then BOOM I’m gonna prove you right. That’s pretty much what goes through my head whenever he says it. It’s quite annoying and immature if you ask me. I mean if he can’t realize by now that I’m not gonna cheat on him, then we shouldn’t get married. Why get married with no trust? I think he finds it amusing to hurt me sometimes. Isn’t that sad? My own BOYFRIEND thinks it’s funny to play with my heart…:/ It’s so pointless to argue with him about it sometimes that I just ignore him. He used to know how to treat me…and now I think he’s forgotten. If someone’s going to treat me like shit, I’m not going to stick around. Especially when someone is DELIBERATELY trying hurt me. I think it’s really fucked up. Who treats their GF like that?! I’m seriously at a loss for words. And he ALWAYS brings it up. Like that’s ALL he wants to talk about. I miss how he used to be. He used to be the guy that swept me off my feet and could make me fall in love with him over and over and over again. Even being so far away he always had that power over me. It’s like at first we were great. And when we’re good, we’re great so I don’t know what’s happened. The first few months of our relationship consisted of really cute things. Cute little facebook messages and status’, flowers, nice voicemails to wake up to and even our skype conversations were great. But now every time I get on facebook, it’s an argument. It’s Austin stalking my facebook because he doesn’t trust me. I’m the only one that tells everyone on facebook that I’m thinking about him and that I love him. I’m always posting something about him. And I realize that it’s just facebook and it shouldn’t matter and I shouldn’t get worked up over the fact that he doesn’t post anything. But it really does get to me sometimes. Because I always make it known that he’s mine and I’m his, but not him. Maybe he’s embarrassed to be with me. Maybe he’s doing stuff with other girls on facebook and he doesn’t want me to find out. As crazy as it sounds, that’s what goes through my head. The flowers have stopped, and yeah that’s not a big huge deal either, but at the beginning I was getting flowers every month. He was always letting me know he was thinking of me with his voicemails. I just feel like the romance isn’t there anymore. And if it’s dying NOW, is there going to be any left when we get married? Is he still going to love me the same? Are we going to just…die off? It doesn’t feel the same anymore. And although I love him more than anything in this world, it doesn’t seem to get to him. Our skype conversations used to be nice because we would just talk for hours about everything in our lives. That’s how I got to know him. That’s how I fell in love with him. The flowers and shit doesn’t mean anything unless we can go back to the way we were. I miss those days the most. The first 3 months of our relationship was amazing, I always wanted to talk to him. I would waste hours when I knew I had stuff to do, just to talk to him, because I missed him. And now our conversations aren’t conversations…but arguments. It’s always she did this or he did that. No matter how good my day went, I get home and dread talking to him because we fight too much. Our relationship becomes more repetitive all the time. Go to work, argue a little, make up a little, say a bunch of I love you’s, get off work, talk a little bit on the phone, text some more, finally get on skype and then BOOM….more arguing. He thinks I lie alllllllll the time to him. When I go out and say I’ll be home at a different time he flips out. He acts like my mother. I mean dear god, just because I don’t call you in exactly an hour like I say I will doesn’t mean I won’t talk to you that night. I always call him back no matter what the time is. I never ask him to revolve his plans around me and when he does he doesn’t get the result he wants, it’s my fault. No matter what I do, I always do something wrong. I mean if you wanna make plans, go freakin ahead. It’s your life and you’re your own person. If you want to revolve your life around me and make plans around what I tell you then go for it. Just don’t expect a good result. It’s plain and simple. I wish I could tell him all of this…but I feel it would just result to another argument, so it’s almost better if I just keep it to myself. I used to be able to talk to him without hesitation, but lately all I get is his negativity. Instead of being supportive he lectures me about every little thing. I can never win with him. I always do something wrong. My opinion on anything doesn’t matter to him. I’m just worn out now. We spend more time defending our relationship than actually having one. The romance is gone and it feels like I’m just wasting my time with him. He’s not going to change. He’s not going back to the way he was. So I basically have two choices. Live with him, be with him, take all the shit he throws at me, and become mentally abused. Or I leave him, go my separate way, and try to live my life with no drama. It just sucks because I love him so much. I really really really love this guy and I feel like I’m the only one waiting here. He thinks he’s waiting for me but really he’s just waiting to get out of the ARMY. I don’t care what he says. I’m the ONLY one WAITING. That’s his job. That’s what he signed up to do. I realized this before I started dating him. He even told me before he asked me, “I want to ask you something, but it’s complicated.” Complicated?! It’s more than complicated! I have to go EVERY SINGLE DAY answering people’s stupid questions about him. “What’s he doing in the ARMY?” “Do you miss him?” “Is he ever going to come home?” “Has he killed anyone?” The most retarded questions I’ve ever heard in my life…and I answer them all the time. If I don’t do anything for him…the ONLY thing that should matter is that I’m still here. If I don’t do any other fucking thing for him…WAITING should be enough for him. After 8 months of being together he seems to think I don’t do anything for him. I mean he’s so quick to point out what I do wrong, but hesitant to compliment the things I do right. Needless to say, he makes me feel p-r-e-t-t-y shitty sometimes. I just wish he would change….i wish he would go back to the way he was. When he loved me enough to respect the things I say, or the things I tell him. He’s just so difficult to work with some times. He used to love me, and treat me amazing. Now I’m back to being “that girl I’m dating.” Just “that girl.”
